Friend, you can keep perpetuating the notion that you simply “tell it like it is” and that you are “real” and “raw” and that you pride yourself on administering some special brand of “tough love” (how the hell many quotation marks can I use in one sentence?) – but here is the truth: when you offer up your allegedly well-meaning “constructive” criticism to another person unsolicited, I promise you it makes them hate you a little bit.
And if you do it to me, it makes me hate you a lot. A whole fucking lot.
The key word here is “unsolicited.”
By all means, if a person comes to you and says, “Harry, please tell me all of the many ways that my writing/cooking/grammar/ice skating skills suck, and how I might, with your sage advice, improve upon them?” — by all means, slip on those skates and teach that bitch a lesson. But, unless someone asks your opinion… just shut it. No one – I REPEAT, NO ONE – wants, needs, or desires your “seemingly” well meaning “suggestions” unless they have asked you for them specifically.
And here’s another thing: when you oh-so-benevolently share your opinion, it isn’t really because you’re trying to be helpful or because you’re concerned for said other person – it is really just a means to place yourself a teeny bit above them. “Hey Heather, your poem is lovely, but your metaphor in the last line is a little clunky.” Thanks Twitter man that I don’t actually know, now my writing shalleth improve seven-fold! I’ve noticed this often when fellow writers share their art online – some people cannot simply read and enjoy, they are compelled to let the writer know how they might improve upon a piece. As a creator, it enrages me when it is done to me and when I’ve seen it visited upon my friends.
Maybe you haven’t looked at this way, but when you offer — or push — your opinion or critique upon someone who is not looking for it, you’re subtly breaking them down a little bit.
I spent over seventeen years in a relationship with someone who subtly criticized nearly everything I did under the guise of “constructive criticism.” My hair was never straight enough. My cooking was never as good as it could be. My floors always had a little too much cat hair gathered in the corners. But telling me about my shortcomings didn’t “help”me – it just made me feel small, inadequate and inept. I know you don’t want to do that to strangers on the internet, and I sure as shit know you don’t want to do that to your loved ones.
So, think twice before correcting someone’s grammar or telling them their selfie could have been posed better. Your tiny hammer might be the final blow that cracks the glass.
Love Always,
Heather