Ain’t Never Had A Friend?

Guys, this post has been on my mind and my heart for years, but I’ve been so reluctant to write it for fear of sounding, oh I don’t know, pathetic? Attention seeking? Something. I’m not too sure what, but I have to believe that some of you can identify.

I feel like social media puts a lot of pressure on us to have certain things, act a certain way, and have achieved certain things. And, while I’ve always felt this way, its been exacerbated by the internet.

What is that thing that I don’t have? Guys, its that archetypal “best girlfriend.” And I doubt I ever will. And I’m not 100% sure that I’ve come to terms with this fact.

Don’t get me wrong – I have a lot of great friends and tons of lovely acquaintances. I even have a handful of friends that I’ve known for almost 30 years, but with time and adulthood our lives have sort of gone separate ways and we don’t see each other very often. If I threw a big ole party I’d like to think I’d have a good showing… but would anyone show up with the biggest gift with a card attached that said “Thank You for being a friend?” Nope. In fact when I typed out this sentence Siri wanted to auto fill “friend” in the previous sentence with “bitch” so even my phone isn’t that into me.

I remember 20ish years ago when I read The Divine Secrets of the Yaya Sisterhood I was just in awe and so jealous of that friendship thang… and, yet, I’ve never been able to make it work for me.

Believe me, I realize that I am a huge part of the problem. For one thing, I am certainly not an open book. I am incredibly guarded with what actually goes on inside my head and if you think that you know me, chances are that you actually have no idea.

And for another thing, and the biggest pitfall I’m sure, I’d characterize myself as an incredibly fun person to gossip with. I like to make people laugh, and I like to be funny. So chances are if you’ve ever chatted with me and there’s someone that you’re bitching about, I will go all out and try and make you laugh by completely destroying this person. I honestly don’t mean to be malicious, I just have a really harsh sense of humor. I know this isn’t nice. I also know that every time I’ve done this, like literally every single time, it has gotten back to that person and bit me right in the ass. So, there’s that.

And so I’ve resigned myself to the fact that at age 41, I’m probably never going to find that forever friend. The person with whom I’m apparently supposed to sit around in PJs and a bra and drink wine and, I don’t know go on vacation together or some crap.  Maybe have our husbands out in the yard barbecuing sausages while we bake a pie together inside or something. As you can see by this paragraph I’m clearly not an expert. 

Honestly I’m not sure why I wrote any of this. I guess I just wanted to get it out of my head. To you ladies that have these relationships, enjoy them. I think they’re much more rare than you even know.


4 thoughts on “Ain’t Never Had A Friend?

  1. Julie Krupp

    I found my closest friends later in life too when I finally started focusing on activities that I truly love. With that said, none of my friendships look like the ‘bestie dream’ you described above. That type of relationship wouldn’t work for me. I need space and freedom to be happy, creative, and productive. If someone was always in my house (husband and kids get a pass), I would feel suffocated. I want to go out on adventures with my friends, even a late night run to Bath&Body Works counts in my book (the hand soaps were on sale). Let go of the idea of what friendship should look like, focus instead on if the friendship feeds your soul. BTW, blogging is a great way to make friends who share your interests. Good luck!!!


  2. Kate

    I fell the same. Tons of friends since childhood but I don’t really know them deep in their souls. People seem to like me, so no enemies. Just no one I can call up and eat ice cream and cry with. My closest friends are all over the country and I have had that relationship with them. But that phase is over now. We have families of our own. Except that I kind of don’t. Their kids take precedence, as they should. I don’t have kids. They’re announcing engagements and saving the dates for weddings. I am not. It’s hard. I would have liked to grow w my friends back in the day so we could all be at the same stage. Our kids could be the same age and we could do play dates instead of bars. But it didn’t work like that. Cause I had to “fix” this one and that one and of course it didn’t work out….so I got left behind. My best friends still have a place in my heart but I’d say we probably only speak once a year.
    I guess it’s not a problem per se. I seem to have a lovely life and I’m generally satisfied and happy. I just don’t have a insuperable relationship with another woman who lives locally and would conceivably live on my sofa for many hours a day. The thing is, I don’t have extra hours to spend w someone sitting on a sofa. I have to make dinner, clean up, get ready for the following day, and perhaps see my significant other for an hour or so, while simultaneously watching tv. Is that so bad tho??


  3. richard lo piccolo

    beside your point is this observation. I admire, am jealous and find intriguing scenes of women engaged with women things/ issues, camaraderie, etc. it’s a beautiful thing to see how easy it is for women to engage with each other…oh I’ve seen the worst of it, but all in all…’ya’ll do youse guys good’! ; ^)



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