Category Archives: Kitty Cooks In Heels Posts

These are posts that I exported from my old blog Kitty Cooks in Heels – mostly fashion, and some recipes. Enjoy!

Closet Purging and the Elusive (i.e Impossible) Capsule Wardrobe

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Well, hello there. Its been about 17 years since I posted last, but seeing as how I just paid $18 to renew my domain name for another two years I figured I should make good use of this site! I apologize in advance – this isn’t a pretty picture fashion bloggy post. This is mostly just myself babbling a bit. But maybe some of you feel this way, too.

If you know me at all, and my guess is that anyone reading this probably does, two of my biggest obsessions are 1) shopping (for clothes)  2) getting rid of stuff (mostly clothes)

It is the weird paradox that is Heather. I am concurrently obsessed with obtaining more stuff while at the same time purging the items that I do have. So, I’ve sort of fallen into this notion of the much talked about and always feared “capsule” wardrobe.

Sidenote – are you as intrigued by the Tiny House movement as I am? I’m just fascinated by the idea of living more simply. I’ve always been weirdly interested by the the notion of “purging” stuff and living with only with the most basic necessities. I’ll get back to how this sidenote about Tiny Houses fits in with my quest for the capsule wardrobe.

I’m going to tell you a story despite the fact that I know that you’ll think I’m a lunatic afterwards. When I was little, I had two equally weird role playing games that I’d play in my own disturbed little head. Sometimes I would pretend that I had to give away ALL of my toys; for some reason, I’d pretend that I was forced to choose ONE toy, and with this one toy I would have to be happy forever. Just one. I think I usually settled on a Pound Puppy or a My Little Pony (Probably Applejacks or Moondancer. I loved those two) Weird, I know. But the next little mental game I played as a child makes this seem normal. I’d also pretend that I had to choose one ROOM in the house in which I could live, and it would be the only room I’d be allowed in. Ever. Like a prison cell deal. I’d always choose the bathroom, b/c to me the tub seemed like a good bed substitute and I’d have unlimited access to water. I always had a bit of a penchant for bathrooms.

So, there is some background info on me. Clearly, psychologically I’ve always wanted to unload the extraneous and live with the most basic items possible. I’ve never ACTUALLY done this, and if you’ve seen my underwear drawer or my jewelry box you know this to be true. But I’m trying. And now back to Tiny Houses.

Let me say that I would never actually have the guts, balls, gumption, or whatever it takes to downsize into 250 sq feet, but wow, the idea seems so freeing. Less stuff. Less space. Less space to store the aforementioned stuff. It just makes sense to me. I am a person who believes in making use of every single square inch of my living space – I’ve never quite understood why some people (and if this is you, I don’t mean to offend) require a 4 bedroom house for, say, 3 people. Or, 3.5 bathrooms. Is there really a need for all of these bedrooms? Are there ever 4 people in your home who must piss at the exact same moment? Maybe you wholly disagree with me. Maybe you NEED a workout room, an office and a guest room in your house. To each, his own. For me, I favor a small, cozy, well organized space that contains only items that I love (or need) and makes smart use of every possible nook and cranny.

I took a glance at Marie Kondo’s Super magical tidying up book. It seems to have almost a cult following and it appeared that it might be right up my alley. Alas, it was damn kooky. While I can kinda sorta understand where she is coming from – “only keep items which bring you joy” – I have to ask myself, does my can opener really bring me joy? And how about my bathroom scale? And dental floss? Nope, but I still need them. Also, the weird part about storing socks flat b/c they’ve “worked hard on your feet and need a rest” – yeah. Crazy. But, again – whatever floats your boat, friends. If it gets you purging, then who am I to judge?

What is my very long winded point, here, you ask? How does a real life real shopper real person declutter and purge ones closet? I think I have the answer. I’ve been poring over blogs and articles on this very subject and, friends, I have the REAL answer here. I’ve already started this process, and hope to be finished up by the end of the summer. THREE STEPS FRIENDS. None of that “turn your hangers around” or “put it in a bag in another closet for three months” crap. THREE steps for you to do today. Or, you know, sometime soon.

1) Having a true capsule wardrobe is UNREALISTIC. Stop forcing it on yourself. The idea of discarding all of your pants and keeping three pairs is silly. Likewise, the notion that you’d love to fit all of your clothing into one suitcase is also silly. Don’t compare yourself to these internet people who claim to have tossed out 80% of their clothes. I think many of them are fakey fakers. Cut yourself some slack. This is trial and error.

2) The most important step – STOP THE BLEEDING. Yup. You must stop (or at least DRASTICALLY cut back on) your shopping. Why get rid of stuff if you’re just replacing it with new stuff the next day? Admittedly this is the hardest part for me. I mean, the fitting room lady at Marshalls knows me. I challenged myself last month to quit shopping cold turkey. Yes, I failed, but not miserably. I purchased 2 pairs of vegan sandals (so hard to find cute vegan shoes!) a classic denim jacket, a basic striped tee, and a pair of black skinnies. I considered these all to be classic pieces and replacements for items that I was planning on getting rid of – leather shoes, my old denim jacket, which is out of style and will graduate to our upstate house as a layer to wear by the fire, and my old black skinnies which were too big from the day I purchased them. Give yourself a little bit of leeway. I know myself, and I know that I won’t quit shopping in one fell swoop, but I can certainly limit myself to no more than 3 new items per month with the stipulation that if I bring in new items, I have to purge the same amount of old items. EVERY addition should be justified.

3) I know this is cliché – and I’m pretty sure I’ve had SOME people mock me for this phrase before – but you should only keep/buy things that make you feel like a 10. Five year old jeans that are out of style now a little bit? Purge. A sweater that you like, but the fabric is itchy? Purge. Shirt that you never wear because it emphasizes your bra fat? Purge. Aside from pj’s and workout/lounge clothes, you should love (or at least feel good in) everything you own. Life is too short to worry about muffin top and panty lines. Get rid. Sell. Donate. Toss if stained/ripped. For God’s sake, use eBay. I started selling my stuff on eBay about 3 1/2 years ago and to date I’ve made $31,426. Yes, you read that correctly. This might mean that you have to replace some items – but you’ll be replacing them with items that fit well, work with your age/lifestyle, and make you feel good when you put them on. That’s got to be worth more than a drawer full of jeans that fit you a few years ago but now they just stare at you, mocking you, saying, “hey Heather remember when you were a size 4 for about 10 minutes at age 26? Well, nanapoopoo we don’t fit you anymore!” Get rid of those bastards. They’re just not good for your Zen, friends.

I used to think that the notion of having a massive, well stocked, walk in closet with 50 pairs of shoes would be the ultimate cats meow. Maybe its my old age 🙂 but nowadays I just want a (large) handful of well fitting pieces that I love. Baby steps, friends. I’m no expert. I still have a size 4 dress in there that I look at, wistfully, and remember the days when my belly wasn’t jelly, but I’m getting there.

And in unrelated news, here’s my cat:

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Friday Five – The Heather Report

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Yes, its Friday again. Thank GOD. Long ass week. And, again, I have had NO time to think about writing a real post, but I’m going to attempt to keep up my commitment to this Friday thing. So, without further ado, here are some things that either happened to me this week or are swimming through my warped little brain at the moment.

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1) My obsession with Trailer Park Boys continues, and I don’t know if this is something to share with people, but wow, it has made me miss drinking liquor! I don’t care what you say, drinking liquor is excellent fun. I hearken back to ye days of my 20’s when my drink of choice was Captain & diet. Although I don’t drink nearly as much as my good friends at the Sunnyvale Trailer park (because, you know, I have a job and all) I will certainly be working the captain back into the rotation. I’ve been a wine girl for awhile, because that’s what you’re supposed to drink in your 30’s, but nothing beats a good mixed drink.
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2) I’ve been working on the idea of creating a capsule wardrobe. This involves paring your clothing down to classics, items that flatter, and items that you love. If you’re anything like me, you have about 5000 items that you never look twice at (and you keep purchasing for some unknown reason) and you always seem to reach for the same few pieces. I’m going to be doing some hardcore down and dirty closet purging this weekend, along with some eBay listing. When I’m done, I’ll assess what classic items I’ll need to add to my collection, etc. I’m sure I’ll do a full blog post on this in the near future.

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3) THE WALKING DEAD IS COMING BACK THIS WEEKEND PEOPLE!!! Tom and I prepared for this by re-watching the entire series over the summer. How would I face off with those cannibal Terminus bastards? Well, I’d wear these black skinny jeans from Loft and carry around my trusty fireplace poker. I’ve often thought about what I would wear AND what I would wield if I were thrust into the Zombie Apocalypse. Here is my decision. Stretchy skinnies, good boots, a fire place poker and a pistol with a high cap mag. Here is would I would not want any part of during the apocalypse: thongs, bras, daggers, baseball bats and revolvers. HOW does Rick still use a revolver? It blows my mind. PS – here’s hoping Beth and Carl are eaten in episode 1.

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4) Stitch Fix. Well, I received my fourteenth Stitch Fix yesterday. I wrote them a massive complaint letter last month because the whole purpose of this service is that it’s supposed to be a “personal stylist” and I just think they’re getting way too big for their britches. I no longer think they spend much time looking at what a person really wants, and I don’t even think they glance at a Pinterest board anymore. But, they refunded me my styling fee and credited me an add’l $20 styling fee for another fix, so it was no harm no foul to try it one more time. Pretty disappointing. I specifically told them that I basically only wear SLEEVELESS tops, because I’m always hot, but they ignored this; they also ignored my request for “cardigans with buttons only” and sent this drapey item. Its ok, but not SIXTY EIGHT DOLLARS OK!!! Ugh. The black jeans are nice – they make my bubble butt look especially bubbly, but I’m yet to decide if they’re keepers. Regardless, I’m taking a long break from Stitch Fix. Possibly forever. IF you want to see what I received this time, and some other items I’ve gotten from Stitch Fix over the last year or so, check out my Pinterest board dedicated to SF items:

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5) This coming Saturday, October 11th, Tom and I will be celebrating our sixth wedding anniversary! We’re simple folken, and I’m sure we’ll be celebrating by eating, drinking, and, you guessed it, watching Trailer Park Boys. Here’s to 50 more years, Poosker!

Have a good weekend…

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Friday Five

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I am finding it wildly difficult to conjure up witty and interesting blog posts AND work AND teach AND do other stuff in my life. I do want to keep the blog alive and afloat, so I’ve decided that at the very least I can copycat the “Five on Friday” weekly recap that I’ve seen other bloggers partake in.

To be honest, I’m not sure what one does in a Five on Friday post. What I am going to do, henceforth, is recap five things, events, items, bagels, whatever, that were important or momentous to me during the last week. Trust me, they will, in general, be trivial and stupid. You know how I do.

1) Well, first up, I gave up shopping for a month. Its officially No Shopping October. Its day three, and I’m already pretty sad, but I’m confident that I will pass this test. I read an article about a gal who gave up shopping for a year. I can’t really even wrap my head around this concept, but her end game was that she would not only save money, but actually enjoy and wear the clothes she already owned. Who among us doesn’t have a stockpile of items that we never really look at? So, I’ve decided to make the most of No-Shopping October and not duplicate an outfit for the whole month. I kicked it off with some mirror selfies on Monday. Love my Loft sweater, Mod Cloth Necklace, and vegan boots from Marshalls. FullSizeRender IMG_3310

 

2) In light of my boots, above, I’ve decided to eschew all leather products from now on. I drive past a pasture raised meat farm whenever I go to the IGA upstate, and I always look at the cows and feel sad. Now, while I haven’t eaten a cow in 24 years (gave it up when I was in 5th grade!) I decided it was pretty hypocritical to wear them. So, I’ve sold my 4-year-old Uggs and I’ve donated (half of) the proceeds to Blind Cat Sanctuary. Here’s a sensational pair of vegan boots that I purchased (not this month!) to kick off my leather-free existence.

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3) I’m now a month or so into the Fall semester, and I’m stupidly excited about how (most of) my students are enjoying The Gunslinger, which in case you’re not aware, is book 1 of the Dark Tower series by Stephen King. I’ve even had more than five of my students ask me the name of the next book in the series. I promise you that there are no words that an English professor loves to hear more than, “I’m actually enjoying this book!” You should all read it, too.

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4) Call me jaded or call me a cynic, but there is a shortage of funny stuff on regular TV nowadays. I can’t stomach most of the mainstream shows that we’re “supposed” to laugh at. So, imagine my delight when Tom and I stumbled upon (via Sonny via Mike) what might be, in my opinion, the funniest show since Seinfeld. Oh my God. Tom and I have binge watched this on Netflix all week, and we’re already up to season five. You MUST MUST MUST check out Trailer Park Boys. Who knew Canadians could be funny?

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5) Last but not least, Tom and I are headed upstate tonight. I’ve been pretty hardcore on the weight watchers all week, so I shall be treating myself to some wine by the fire pit tonight. Cheap as it may be, sorry friends, but nothing beats a bottle of Barefoot Pinot OR Sav. Blanc. You can keep your Santa Margarita (well, no, give me that too, please) – because I can buy THREE bottles of Barefoot for the price of one SM! Please stay tuned for some misspelled and unintelligible Facebook status messages.

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Have a great weekend!

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The Purse in Black Fled Across the Desert and Heather Followed

If you get that reference, then good for you for being a fan of The Dark Tower. If not, well, lets talk about purses anyway. But you should probably still read The Dark Tower series. Its like a really dark Harry Potter series for adults. 
Shhh. Listen. Do you hear that? The end of July is a whisper away and I can actually hear summer finally coming to an end. No more sweat. No more frizzy hair. Oh, stop it. No one can tell me they REALLY enjoy 98 degrees and 98% humidity. You don’t. You yearn for fall. You just do. Comfortable sleeping weather… great hair days… scarves… jackets… 
I’ve mentioned in the past that I was definitely the girl decked out in boots and a sweater on the first day of school. These days, I’m more realistic. Now, I’m not going to lie to you and pretend that I haven’t already made a boot purchase this month ($24.99 at Marshalls, say thank’ya) but I know that it will probably stay pretty darned warm through mid-October, and, yet, I must have some fall. I need fall. I want fall. I hunger for a little bit o’fall. And that brings us to today’s topic…
Purses. Pocketbooks. Whatever you call them, God love ’em, they are that little piece of Autumn (I had to vary my syntax a bit, for artistic purposes) that you can wear today. Or tomorrow. OR August 17th. Will people look at you sideways if you show up to work on September 2nd in knee high boots, tights and a scarf? Yes. At least I will. Will you be a social outcast if you don a cute burgundy tote with your cream colored cami, a khaki skirt and a little navy blue short sleeved cardigan whilst the temps still top 90? Of course not. YOU WEAR THAT PURSE. You go and wear the shit out of that little fall purse. 
And so, here are some of my picks for super awesome excellent lovely fall bags. 
A black leather tote is a cold weather staple, in my opinion. I enjoy this one, from Coach, because it reminds me a little bit of something that I might wear in the 80’s to a roller rink. Also, I feel like if my car breaks down those little metal bolts might be somehow useful. 
I know that many of you are “soooooo over” the Coach Signature C’s. They will, however, always hold a special place in my heart. I look fondly back at the purchase of my first Coach bag (old Bayshore Macys!) probably when I was still in college, and I recall how toting around those little khaki C’s made me feel so important and grown up. I had arrived at adulthood!  This little cross body reminds me of that age of innocence. Plus that little red hang tag is pretty adorable. Coach Factory.

This Kate Spade bag in a pinkish maroon color can be your go-to fall bag. Its structured and classic, but the color is interesting and bright enough to pair with both black and brown based outfits.

This is a bag from Lauren Merkin – its called “Florence” in caramel. Great, now I want caramel. And I want to go to Florence. Damn you, Merkin.

Lauren Merkin Mini Cece. Because this salmon pop of color will look adorable with all of your fall colors – Brown tweed skirt? Camel cords? Dark jeans and a olive green chunky sweater? Merkin knows what goes with this. Merkin is like a purse psychic. Damn, Merkin, you crazy.

Michael Kors Camo Cross body. No, I’m not crazy. Yes, I’ve seen Lofts weird collection of camo items for the fall. I think this little tiny cross over bag is just the right amount of camo. I’d probably throw this over dark skinnies, brown chunky boots and a white super baggy T with a big funky necklace and scarf in the early fall.

Sometimes you’re poor, like me, and you can’t afford to spend a car payment sized amount of cash on a bag. Or maybe you need a big tote for your work supplies and you just can’t see filling an expensive bag with papers and pens and other crap. This Old Navy Tote is a nice black and white graphic print for fall, and it costs like 5 cents. I’d wear this with my knee length red wool coat and do some serious holiday shopping come November. I’d also pack a snack. Probably fritos.

This bag from Mod Cloth is called “Photography on the Promenade.” Well, I want to be on a promenade. I want to take photographs. Logic dictates, then, that I must also own this purse.

This big slouchy brown tote is from Sole Society – its called Allessandra. I have nothing exciting to add to this.

This Tory Burch Lily saddle bag is near to my heart because it reminds me of a little saddle bag that I used to have in junior high. If it wasn’t $24,899 I’d absolutely purchase it.

This classic shape from Tory Burch in grass green is a great late summer to fall transition piece. It also reminds me a little of Grace Kelly. I bet Jackie O would have loved this purse, and I bet that Kate Middleton owns it. Those three ladies know a little something about class and style.

And finally, if you’re hungry, you can eat purses, like this random internet cat. 

Calling all flakey oily peely powdery fine lined ghosts!

Now, I watch my fair share of HGTV, so I fancy myself an expert in all things construction. As we know, you can’t build a house without a foundation. I think if you try to do this, the wood that you built the walls with gets wet, becomes soil, and ground hogs come and live in it, like a smurf house. True story. 
The same thing will happen to you if you don’t use proper foundation on your face. Well, a similar thing at least. I’m pretty sure that woodland creatures won’t live in your ear holes,  but as with a house, a good foundation sets the stage for a good face, I guess. I don’t really know where I’m going with this, but you get it. I hope. Its the crucial first layer when applying your makeup. 
Once upon a time I didn’t have to even think about foundation.
Lets take a walk down memory lane… East Islip, 1999. Twenty-one year old Heather can go anywhere with nary a trace of makeup on her face. School. Work. Lily’s on a Thursday for ladies night. Redness? Fine lines? Dark spots? Wrinkles? Brow furrows? Nope. Nothing. Nada. 
Look at me in my Forever 21 shirt drinking a Captain and Diet, not worry a damn about forehead creases. Oh, those were the days.
Then I turned thirty and all sorts of things started to go wrong. Years of furrowing my brow ala Arnold  of Different Strokes fame (whatchu talkin’ bout, Willis?) have left permanent indentations in my face. Little lines around my mouth… ugh. Without makeup, for some reason, they’re not as noticeable, but when I put on foundation, after 30 minutes or so I feel like it just sinks into every little crevice on my face and screams out ‘HEY I’M CLEARLY OVER 30!! YOU DON’T HAVE TO PROOF ME FOR LIQUOR!!” 
I’d go foundation free, but I also have a bit of redness and a mild case of rosacea. I am a mess! 
Now I  have spent the last 6+ years trying to find a foundation that I am happy with – to no avail. I repeat – every foundation that I have tried has failed me and I cannot find one that works with my skin! Please help! Cream, Powder, Liquid – I’ve tried them all. 
My personal skin issues are probably the same as many of your issues:
1) the beginning of fine lines around my eyes and frown lines
2) slight redness, especially in my nose area
3) brow furrows and lines on my forehead
4) I look a little tired UNDER my eyes, even after 8 hours of sleep
5) My skin is oily but also tends to dry out around my nose and between my brows.
I found and fell in love with a liquid foundation from Clinique – Superfit Makeup. It went on smooth. It didn’t settle into my little lines. I was in love.
And then, they discontinued it. 

 A rep from Clinique told me that they were replacing my beloved Superfit with the foundation below – Even Better Foundation. Despite its name, it was NOT better. It was heavy. It flaked. It settled right into the ridges between my brows and above my lips. It was returned, and I was sad.

As I have sensitive skin, I thought I’d make the foray into the mineral makeup scene. I tried Bare Minerals powder foundation. Although it looked great when I put it on, after about 2 hours it was just GONE. Its like my skin couldn’t hold onto it – and I don’t even have oily skin! By lunchtime it didn’t even look as if I had put on any makeup at all the morning…
Lets move onto my current foundation – its the one that I’ve settled on that is just “ok.” Its actually the third “type” in a line of ever evolving Clinque powder foundation products. I think its called Perfectly Real Compact makeup. The coverage is good, but like the Bare Minerals, it doesn’t last all day. Usually around 3pm it starts to fade. It also sometimes makes my nose look a little peely. I’m underwhelmed, but haven’t tried anything better yet.

I also tried mineral makeup from Physicians Formula. I found this to look a bit too “powdery” on my face – it was as if you could see a white coating of powder, especially on my nose.

I tried this CoverGirl Simply Ageless cream foundation, as it promised me that it would not sink into my lines, but, alas, it lied.

I actually just picked up this BB cream foundation from Physicians Formula the other day, and I am wearing it today. I’m undecided. I like the amount of coverage – its not too heavy, but it does mask my redness. And I don’t have the powdery-peely look that some of the powder foundations seem to give me… but its a little wet? greasy? something. It will probably be great in the cooler weather, but its making me feel a little slimy today.

I bought this CC powder foundation from Physicians Formula and returned it today. It made me look like a ghost.

I also picked up this liquid foundation – can you tell I’m on a Physicians Formula kick? I haven’t tried it yet, though.

Suggestions are welcome!! Please help take me from this:

 Back to this:

Stitch Fix #12

Hello friends! Its that time again… that magical day when a little brown box appears on my doorstep containing items chosen just for me by some random lady in California. That’s right, kids. Its Stitch Fix day.
I am going to be taking a short hiatus from SF after this one. As of today at 2:38 pm I officially have enough summer clothes… and my wallet has taken a beating lately. So, I scheduled my next fix for the end of August (just in time for back to school!) and after that I’ll be getting fixes every other month. It just seems more responsible. 
If you want to learn  more about Stitch Fix, or if you want to try it out (you should, its fun!) follow this link and I’ll get a referral credit (thanks in advance!)
This was a great fix. For some reason they swapped out my stylist for this one (I’ve had Melanie for 8 of my past 11 fixes) and a sassy gal named Jennifer clearly perused my Pinterest page when she put together my box. I kept three, but I could have made a case for the two shirts that I sent back. I asked for cute sleeveless tops. I’m always in a sleeveless shirt – even during the winter – so these will be year round items for me. I also asked for maxi dresses/skirts, but I suppose they didn’t have any in my price range this time around (aka the cheaper the better)
The first top that they send me is this cobalt/royal blue top. I LOVE this shirt. It is a flattering fit. I love the side details, and I especially enjoy that they included a bonus nude cami to wear beneath it for those days when I don’t want to feel like a prostitute. I was having a fat day until I saw these photos. LOVE this top. Keeper.

This second top was just ok. I kinda liked it better untied, as you can see in some of the photos, but it was just mediocre for me, so it went back.

PS – these shorts, from LOFT, got sent back, too. Hello Thunder Thighs.

This might be the shirt I’ve been looking for my whole life. It is my shirt soul mate. We said vows to each other in my closet last night with Clodette as witness, and now we’re joined for life. This is a favorite color of mine, and the fit is sensational. Keeper.

I wanted to love this shirt. I had it pinned about 19 times on my SF board, but in person it fell short. It was, again, just ok. It was green and pink. Maybe if they would’ve sent the blue/yellow or blue/orange version I woudl have liked it more, but it just didn’t tickle my fancy.

As you can see on my face, I was unsure about this top. Its funky, and I like that, but the weird side flaps threw me for a loop. In the end, Tom loved it, my mom loved it, and in a random poll of 11 friends, more than 1/2 liked it. So, I kept it. I’m actually wearing it right now and I’m glad I did. I already received 4 compliments on it today, and its hiding my post-cruise fat belly pretty well. Keeper.

In all, this fix was one of my favorites. I love having different items. I feel like 79 other girls have the same exact top as me when I purchase one at Loft, and Stitch Fix solves this issue. Give it a try! 

Just Because It Fits…

Hey ladies. Summer. Its hot. Do you know what that means?
Some ladies turn perfectly normal public places like the mall, the supermarket, a restaurant, etc into Skank City.
Just because it fits it does not mean you should wear it, friends! 
No, this is not a jealousy issue (ok, maybe a little) but when you get to a certain age, size, place in life, body structure, etc, there are certain things that (maybe) we were able to get away with wearing at age 19 that we should probably say goodbye to at age 32. One might argue that most, if not all of the items below, shouldn’t be worn by anyone (I am one of those people) but if you must wear any of the following…
Short Shorts
Backless tops & dresses
Mini-skirts & Mini-dresses
Shoes that boarder on whore-ish
…then please let me show you some versions of the items that, I believe, are acceptable to wear into public places as adults. I was also going to address a bare midriff, but honestly – if you’re an adult, and you’re not wearing a swimsuit for the purpose for which it was intended, we shouldn’t see your naked belly in public. Ever. Period. End of story. Sorry!
Here are some looks that I think are skanky, and similar looks that I think are wearable.
Do I wish I had this girls (clearly photoshopped) body? Yes, of course I do. Would I wear this item if I did? Only if it was in my 10th grade dance recital and the top of the ensemble involved some sort of a fringed elbow length glove and a silver cowboy hat. 

You’re thin, we get it. The world does not need to see your bedazzeled ass cheek.

Here is the exception. If you’re a man about town in a golf shirt and you want to squeeze yourself into a pair of junior size 3 shorts, I say go ahead. I’m entertained.

You CAN wear “short” shorts. I don’t, personally, wear them b/c I have the legs of an old Italian lady, but you can wear them. Just, please… we don’t need to see any body parts that are integral in bathroom activities when you’re out food shopping in them. Personally, I opt for a 6 inch inseam, but these are 3.5 inches (from Loft) and I think they’re very classy.

This pair, also around 3 inches in the inseam, is from Old Navy. You’ll be comfortable and people won’t cover their children’s eyes when you walk past them.

Backless is tricky. Its very easy to go slutty, like this painful looking number:

Or this, one, which appears to be from some sort of a Motley Crue video circa 1985.

You can do backless and not look like a street walker, though:

I’m not sure I’d go with the pink lace under-bra thing, but this top is backless and classy, I think. I’d probably go with a neutral bandeau, or maybe one of those sticky bras so that I could go completely backless. From VS.

Mini-dresses and mini-skirts. Its a slippery slope, ladies. I’m going to be blunt with you. Just because you CAN doesn’t mean you should. Many disagree with me, but once you’re on the wrong side of 25, I say that mini-anything, with few exceptions, is off-limits.

Clearly this lady has had a few too many.

If you MUST go super short, for God’s sake, please do a shift shape. The looser body of the dress definitely helps a mini-dress look less hooker-ish. From Anthropologie:

From Dolce & Gabbana (probably like $5000, but isn’t that worth it in order to look like a lovely spring garden?)

Now here are some summer shoe do’s and don’ts.

Just don’t. Boots go up to the knee. Any other type of shoe just cannot. CANNOT.

A gladiator can go to the ankle – and no higher!! These are lovely, from Steven Madden.

If your name is something like Snowy, Candee or Bambi, I suppose these might be a great pick for you:

I broke an ankle just looking at these:

If you’re not a pole dancer, try a pair like these instead; this pair is from Nine West, makes me think of Greece, where I have never been. But I’d still like this shoe.

This pair, from Jimmy Choo may cost 2 paychecks, but its a classic shape.

There you have it. My guide on how to not be a skank this summer. We’re adults now, ladies. No one needs to see your nipple.