I don’t know about all of y’alllll but I’ve spent many precious hours trying to be that gal that Ive assumed society wants me to be. You know, that twenty first century highly curated Facebook Instagram Pinterest Girl-power Feminist FTWM SAHM PTWM Snapchat I’m not a regular mom I’m a cool mom completely artificial archetypal Anthropologie woman. Well, its 11:12 on a Monday evening and I’m here to tell you this:
No more! I’m coming out, coming clean, throwing that window open like I’m damn Mrs. Mallard.
God I hope someone knows that reference. And FYI, I do love Anthropologie. Anyhow, here are my 5 confessions. 5 truths. 5 facades behind which I shall no longer hide! Read on. Be my judge, jury and executioner, friend.
1) I can’t walk in heels. I don’t mean 4 inch sky high stilettos… I mean that I will fall down dead with a broken ankle in 1.5 inch baby kitten heels. So, I make no apology about my Tieks habit. They’re saving my life every single day.
2) I hate smoothies. Guys, I tried, but if I’m gonna drink my calories it’s going to be in the form of either a milkshake or liquor. I guess I just like chewing. Add Açaí bowls and tea to this list.
3) I just don’t think The Office is funny. I wanted to love it, but it was painfully hack. Tried the British Office but I seriously couldn’t understand 75% of the dialogue.
4) I can’t hold my liquor. I’d say “anymore” or blame it on my age, but truth be told, I’ve always been a lightweight. Now I have to plan for a half day of vomiting if I intend on having more than one drink.
5) I will never feel ok with my body in a bathing suit. Ever. Even when I was a size 4 for 15 minutes in my twenties I wouldn’t gallivant around in a swimsuit… so, now being old as hell and having birthed a giant baby I’m considering what them there Mormons and fundamentalist Christians call a “modesty suit” – google it. You’ll piss yourself a little bit.
Oh, one more thing. Diet Dr Pepper is pretty fantastic. Carry on, friends.