You’re thin, we get it. The world does not need to see your bedazzeled ass cheek.

Here is the exception. If you’re a man about town in a golf shirt and you want to squeeze yourself into a pair of junior size 3 shorts, I say go ahead. I’m entertained.

You CAN wear “short” shorts. I don’t, personally, wear them b/c I have the legs of an old Italian lady, but you can wear them. Just, please… we don’t need to see any body parts that are integral in bathroom activities when you’re out food shopping in them. Personally, I opt for a 6 inch inseam, but these are 3.5 inches (from Loft) and I think they’re very classy.

This pair, also around 3 inches in the inseam, is from Old Navy. You’ll be comfortable and people won’t cover their children’s eyes when you walk past them.

Backless is tricky. Its very easy to go slutty, like this painful looking number:

Or this, one, which appears to be from some sort of a Motley Crue video circa 1985.

You can do backless and not look like a street walker, though:

I’m not sure I’d go with the pink lace under-bra thing, but this top is backless and classy, I think. I’d probably go with a neutral bandeau, or maybe one of those sticky bras so that I could go completely backless. From VS.

Mini-dresses and mini-skirts. Its a slippery slope, ladies. I’m going to be blunt with you. Just because you CAN doesn’t mean you should. Many disagree with me, but once you’re on the wrong side of 25, I say that mini-anything, with few exceptions, is off-limits.

Clearly this lady has had a few too many.

From Dolce & Gabbana (probably like $5000, but isn’t that worth it in order to look like a lovely spring garden?)

Now here are some summer shoe do’s and don’ts.

Just don’t. Boots go up to the knee. Any other type of shoe just cannot. CANNOT.

A gladiator can go to the ankle – and no higher!! These are lovely, from Steven Madden.

I broke an ankle just looking at these:

This pair, from Jimmy Choo may cost 2 paychecks, but its a classic shape.

There you have it. My guide on how to not be a skank this summer. We’re adults now, ladies. No one needs to see your nipple.