Just Because It Fits…

Hey ladies. Summer. Its hot. Do you know what that means?
Some ladies turn perfectly normal public places like the mall, the supermarket, a restaurant, etc into Skank City.
Just because it fits it does not mean you should wear it, friends! 
No, this is not a jealousy issue (ok, maybe a little) but when you get to a certain age, size, place in life, body structure, etc, there are certain things that (maybe) we were able to get away with wearing at age 19 that we should probably say goodbye to at age 32. One might argue that most, if not all of the items below, shouldn’t be worn by anyone (I am one of those people) but if you must wear any of the following…
Short Shorts
Backless tops & dresses
Mini-skirts & Mini-dresses
Shoes that boarder on whore-ish
…then please let me show you some versions of the items that, I believe, are acceptable to wear into public places as adults. I was also going to address a bare midriff, but honestly – if you’re an adult, and you’re not wearing a swimsuit for the purpose for which it was intended, we shouldn’t see your naked belly in public. Ever. Period. End of story. Sorry!
Here are some looks that I think are skanky, and similar looks that I think are wearable.
Do I wish I had this girls (clearly photoshopped) body? Yes, of course I do. Would I wear this item if I did? Only if it was in my 10th grade dance recital and the top of the ensemble involved some sort of a fringed elbow length glove and a silver cowboy hat. 

You’re thin, we get it. The world does not need to see your bedazzeled ass cheek.

Here is the exception. If you’re a man about town in a golf shirt and you want to squeeze yourself into a pair of junior size 3 shorts, I say go ahead. I’m entertained.

You CAN wear “short” shorts. I don’t, personally, wear them b/c I have the legs of an old Italian lady, but you can wear them. Just, please… we don’t need to see any body parts that are integral in bathroom activities when you’re out food shopping in them. Personally, I opt for a 6 inch inseam, but these are 3.5 inches (from Loft) and I think they’re very classy.

This pair, also around 3 inches in the inseam, is from Old Navy. You’ll be comfortable and people won’t cover their children’s eyes when you walk past them.

Backless is tricky. Its very easy to go slutty, like this painful looking number:

Or this, one, which appears to be from some sort of a Motley Crue video circa 1985.

You can do backless and not look like a street walker, though:

I’m not sure I’d go with the pink lace under-bra thing, but this top is backless and classy, I think. I’d probably go with a neutral bandeau, or maybe one of those sticky bras so that I could go completely backless. From VS.

Mini-dresses and mini-skirts. Its a slippery slope, ladies. I’m going to be blunt with you. Just because you CAN doesn’t mean you should. Many disagree with me, but once you’re on the wrong side of 25, I say that mini-anything, with few exceptions, is off-limits.

Clearly this lady has had a few too many.

If you MUST go super short, for God’s sake, please do a shift shape. The looser body of the dress definitely helps a mini-dress look less hooker-ish. From Anthropologie:

From Dolce & Gabbana (probably like $5000, but isn’t that worth it in order to look like a lovely spring garden?)

Now here are some summer shoe do’s and don’ts.

Just don’t. Boots go up to the knee. Any other type of shoe just cannot. CANNOT.

A gladiator can go to the ankle – and no higher!! These are lovely, from Steven Madden.

If your name is something like Snowy, Candee or Bambi, I suppose these might be a great pick for you:

I broke an ankle just looking at these:

If you’re not a pole dancer, try a pair like these instead; this pair is from Nine West, makes me think of Greece, where I have never been. But I’d still like this shoe.

This pair, from Jimmy Choo may cost 2 paychecks, but its a classic shape.

There you have it. My guide on how to not be a skank this summer. We’re adults now, ladies. No one needs to see your nipple.

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